I haven’t written in so long and, to be honest, part of me wasn’t sure if I was going to pen anything new anytime soon. When I started this blog it was simply to share my “Of a Woman” series (hence the name of webpage)- collection of fascinating findings of different characteristics of women and what the bible says about them. An easy enough task. But God obviously had other plans. As the weeks progressed I found myself opening my “Journey to me” series where I found myself led to open up to you my readers about some very personal feelings and thoughts I harbored. I won’t lie and pretend that it was easy- it is probably the most difficult thing I had to do in the last 3-5 years. Some people closest to me actually learnt about these feelings from reading the articles because I had never shared them before. Opening up like that left me feeling drained, vulnerable and highly exposed. For one I didn’t know how you, the readers, would take it- as a cry for attention or, as I was praying, as lesson and encouragement for some other young lady out there who was dealing with the same challenges. I also did not enjoy digging up the pain and bad memories because part of me knew that I had not completely dealt with them but had simply decided to ignore and bury them, hoping they would eventually disappear on their own.
So faced with the realization that should I continue to write, that hiding myself was no longer an option I did what I am good at- I ran. I packed all my notebooks, logged out of this blog, it’s associated social media, and stopped writing all together. Then in order to find an excuse NOT to do what God was telling me to do I started putting my efforts towards other things that, yes I had been feeling I should do but, I knew it wasn’t my “main agenda”. Like Jonah, I went to Tarshish instead of Ninevah. And like Jonah, I stepped out from under the protective covering of God as I walked away from my mission and went AWOL. Again I learnt, the hard way, that is always easier to give advice than to take your own advice. I have learnt that while the process of obedience may not always be the most comfortable, the fruits are always so much more beneficial, and pleasurable than the fruits of disobedience- which is short term “feel good” and bears really bad fruit.
I had become so used to everything becoming a fight that it’s almost reflex for me to put up a struggle with EVERYTHING and to fight off EVERYONE. Jonah may have run from his instructions because he thought THEY didn’t deserve the love of God but I run because I feel that I don’t deserve it. The love of God surrounds and overwhelms me so much that I just wanna run from Him. It’s amazing I wrote Tangled in Guilt, convinced that I was done with it only to realize that I have been entertaining her older brother Condemnation. Sure my heart knew and knows the popular scripture Romans 8:1 (There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit KJV) but my mind was struggling to process it, to accept it so I decided to bolt from the very person I was meant to run to.
But the grace and patience of God is amazing. He followed me wherever I went and continued to give me routes to return back to MY path but some of us are more stubborn than is necessary. I hardened my heart, closed my eyes and tried to shut out His voice, determined to retreat into the cocoon of lies and deceit that the enemy had talked me into because it felt “more like me” than what God is calling me to. I have learnt that there is a big difference between just having some bible verses stored in your memory that you can recite when it seems “appropriate” (RELIGIOUSNESS) and allowing the Holy Spirit to minister these words to your inner most parts so your mind is renewed and your life is changed (CHRISTIANITY). Of course to know what the bible says is important but what’s more important is for us to allow the Word to search our hearts, our thoughts and to change them where they are not right (Psalms 139:23-24).
And so this year my goal has been set before me- To subdue this Jonah in me, to conquer condemnation and to kill the spirit of religiousness that seems to be plaguing me. I pray some of you will join me on this journey to becoming the person God intends each one of us to be. I am not expecting it to be easy but I know that it is worth it because true and complete freedom awaits at the end of this journey- not only freedom for myself but the freedom of those that will hear my testimonies.
#2018theyearof #breakingdownwalls #diggingdeeperfoundations and #growingdeeperroots so we will finally #beholdhisglory