The last time I spoke to you was 16 years ago. I was just 7 years old and totally clueless of anything. Today, 16 years later, I am still clueless about many things but I know a lot more today than I did then. I have so much I am upset that you missed, stuff that I am glad you were not here to watch me do and others I am on the border about.
I remember that the last thing I ever told you was something like, “Don’t forget my doll.” because it had never occured to me that that was the last time I would speak to you. How I wish I had known, that day, what turned out to have been the very last lesson you would ever teach me. The lesson that: every moment, any moment can be our last.
I fell asleep on the couch waiting for you that night. When I woke up everthing was different. I had.no idea what, or who, death was so when they told me you were dead it didn’t mean much to me. That night I cried because mum was crying. In my efforts to get her to stop crying, to stop hurting and the confusion of been thrown in the middle of some people telling me to leave her be and whatever else others were saying I found myself crying. I crawled onto her lap and just cried. The rest of your funeral is a pretty much a blur. I was in a constant confusion. I remember the first time I saw you lying in the coffin though, I just wanted you to wake up but you never did.
It was only when I went back to school that it began to sink in that I was now Fatherless. I asked God so many time to let me join you but He never let me. My nightmares involved you going away and leaving me calling after you, runing after you, crying. Some days even at this age I have that nightmare but they have become few and far between.
5 years after you had left, I was 12, I got my grade 7 results and they were great. That is probably the 1st day I truly started to mourn your loss. I felt as if I had taken the first step to achieving OUR plan to get me to Medical School…but you were not there. 3 years later, at 15, I missed a bunch of school and, to be honest, I was angry with you for not being there and making sure that I had everything I needed. Eventually I finished high school and I suppose I did OK but still I needed you there at every step but you were not. All the hard work I did, and do, in school is to make you and mum proud but….you are not here to tell me if it does.
School aside even in my social life I needed you there. Every little girl needs her daddy. I know I am strong and whatever but I could have been stronger standing on your shoulders. I miss and crave that sense of security and being cherished you gave me. I remember that then I was the Apple of Your Eye and the little poem you used to say as I was sitting on your lap- sometimes I wonder if you would still see me in the same light or if we would have been torn apart as I got older, but that is another thing I will never know. To tell you the truth I just wonder what it would have been like growing up with a father. Does it make you a better person, or does having an extra parent to clash with make you more rebellious? What are the things mum, as a woman, could not teach me that only you, as my dad, could? Overall how different would my world be had you been in it, even for just a year, or two, more？I know these are questions only God can answer but I want you to know how I feel and what I think.
I have met some amazing people. I even met a guy (I know not every father wants to hear this but I want you to know, I want to be open with you), I wonder how you would have felt about him. I know many people will think me crazy for telling you this or for even mentioning it- each person for their own reasons. I mention this guy because even when I was determined to give up and lose myself he wouldn’t let me. For a time I had a protector of sorts, someone who saw good in me when I was not being the best version of myself enough to motivate me to actually become that better person. I have friends like Adelaide amd Kristabel that pick me up on the darkest days, Agnes to feed me when I am down to eat and Fafa to encourage me. I am sure you still remember Thandi, I havent seen.her in a while but I miss her so much because I have not seen her in years. Valentine is always fighting for me and with so I stay on the right path, making sure that I allow myself to go through the motions but not to go back to where I was. If you feel like sending some blessings this way please do send to these amazing people, if possible send them double of my allocated portion because they deserve.it, and more.
Mum misses you. And I know she misses you more than us kids. It hasn’t been easy for her without you here. But I will tell you this, you married a remarkable woman. She morphed it everything, to the best of her abilities and she has better than some households that have both parents. We all made it to uni. I made it to medical school, mostly because she refused to allow me to give up even when I fought her about it. Maybe one day I will be a super woman like her and be a great addition to people’s lives like she is to every life she touches
You might be wondering why it has taken me 16 years to write to you. Well at first the thought never crossed my then I was not sure what to write to you and angry.with you, still, for leaving me. The more recent reason was I was not sure you would want to hear from me. For the longest time I had lived in shame and guilt but I know for a fact that if you love me like I imagine a father can love a daughter then you will accept this. Whether or not you know everything I have done I hope you still accept me and love me even a bit more maybe it will help me heal a little quicker. I promise to write a little more often and wait patiently for you to write back. I just pray I do not have to wait too long.